When Work Takes Precedence Over Family
I recently wrote a blog post about taking eight years of my life to prioritize family over career. In this post, I tell a very different story. It’s one of prioritizing my career over my family. The story of the past eight weeks, in sharp contrast to the story of the preceding eight years. Same person, just a very different moment in my life.
I knew it would be a big deal for me when finally had the space to focus on my career. I knew how passionate I was about the work I did, and I sensed my potential. It was hard to hold myself back for so long. I didn’t realize that, when I finally lifted the lid, all the energy that had been building up for so many years would send me into the stratosphere.
As I began exploring my next professional move, I felt myself light up. I started reaching out to people in my network. The next thing I knew, I had a list of potential projects longer than I could possibly take on without help. I found myself starting a business on my own. I was clear eyed in my vision, with confidence in my ability to execute.
I connected with former colleagues across consulting, technology, design, and international development and built a pipeline of potential hires. Former colleagues and mentors were incredibly supportive of my new direction. It was all coming together faster than I could have imagined. I was so excited I barely slept; I’d wake up in the middle of the night and get a few hours of work in.
I published I Didn’t Lean In. I Pushed Back. My goal was to help normalize such choices for people who remain professionally ambitious despite taking time to focus on other priorities. Scores of people thanked me for writing it. They told me it was what they needed to hear. It was incredibly energizing to have that kind of reception, especially for such a personal post. I started to envision a path to supporting broader social change, enabling more parents to have the freedom to work flexibly, on terms that are compatible with family life. I thought about how I’d run my organization to walk the walk, giving all of my employees the ability to fit job obligations into other priorities. So many people were enthusiastic about my grand plans.
In addition, a handful of exciting potential board and advisory opportunities came my way. It turns out the world is quite hungry for female leaders.
I was overflowing with energy. That’s what happens when you find the things you’re meant to do in the world. You tap a wellspring. You’ve probably read about people saying that their work “just comes out of them.” Whatever it was, I wanted to work around the clock. I loved every part of it and it was all I wanted to do.
As you can imagine, having three children is not exactly compatible with a desire to work at all hours. I had a very hard time being present with my children, my mind was always elsewhere. Most of the time, I was counting the minutes until I could get back to work. If someone else was around to take care of them, I was happy to exit stage left. Within a month and a half, I left home on five separate occasions for personal and professional commitments. My husband had to step up considerably. More often than not, he was the one getting up in the morning and the one putting them to bed at night. My children began to call me daddy by accident when we were together (how comforting to know that years of being the primary parent can get rewritten overnight).
There were certainly many moments of feeling like I was being a really mediocre mom. I was constantly on my phone. My eighteen month old just wants his mama, and he’d cry every time I left the room. It didn’t help that I’d just stopped breastfeeding, so he was already adjusting to a big shift in our relationship. My older kids began to act up. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t let myself feel guilty. Work felt more important.
Sure, eight years of largely being at home with my kids made me feel like I’d more than earned it. But sometimes we all have priorities outside our families. I am sure that, moving forward, there will be many more times like this. The reality is, now that I’m working again, I am happier than I’ve been in a long time.
Obviously, the extreme I describe above is not sustainable. Yes, when push comes to shove, family will take priority in most situations. But many of you will find yourselves in periods like the one I just experienced. You have to know it’s just as ok to prioritize career over family for a period of time as it is to prioritize family over career. It has to be, because it’s nearly impossible to do both at the same time. That’s why so many working moms out there constantly feel like they are failing on both fronts. The demands at many jobs are intense, especially the ones at the top (often unnecessarily so). Couple that with grandparents living in other cities, a culture of helicopter parenting, and moms being the default lead parent. It’s unrealistic to the point of absurdity.
It’s unreasonable to imagine that anyone with career ambitions and children will not have moments where work takes precedence. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel like we are failing at home when that happens. When work demands the lion’s share of our attention, it’s still possible to be a good parent. We can find moments to connect with our children, however fleeting. We just have to work hard to be intentional about it.
When you feel deeply passionate about your work, you’re so energized that it’s hard to do anything else. It’s a beautiful thing. We don’t necessarily find balance between work and home in the day to day, or the week to week. But hopefully, we find it over the arc of our lifetimes.
